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HERoine Worship

 

another sleepless night

this is how my day begins

cyanide on my mind

sleep just won't come in

don't know when it started

afraid when it will end

at times such as these

i wish i had a friend

someone to talk to

anyone beneath the sun

but all i can is wish

'coz I know there is none

consoled by the night

engaged in past reruns

clutching my pillow

hoping thoughts won’t creep

but for yet another night

i cry myself to sleep...

hidden in my pillow
where i keep my dreams
a heaven of feathers
a magic place it seems
where cruel reality
cease to have effect
where I can wander
to a place where i can get
gliding from world to world
and no one even sees
where i can fly
and settle in the trees
or swim with dolphins
in waters warm and clear
a place in my mind
that knows no pain or fear

yet, on its other side
 darkness fills my heart
the sword of reality
tears my soul apart
i wake up in the early hours
trembling with fear
not knowing what to do
then suddenly it is clear
i shake myself to life
with the ritual that i keep
to turn my pillow over
  and drift back to sleep...

the pain that i feel

for being away for miles

is erased by my worship,

and her smile inside my eyes

the only good thing

I’ve ever known or seen

always there for me

in a land of my dreams

where no loneliness lives

and no tears flow

such a bliss and glory

which only I can know

she talks and teases

giggles and walks in

smiles and smiles

as i see her within…

 

i truly love her

but sometimes i don't

i just want to tell her

but i know i won’t

she drives me crazy

as i grow to miss her more

i don't know how i lived

without her before

sometimes i am amazed

what she has made of me

living in her love

I am happy as can be

more happier than this

my life can never be

if there was a way

i would make her see

till her heart would know

how much she means to me

 

living with her or without

i don't know what to feel

dreams of a lifetime

will they ever come real?

or am i just wasting time

knowing how things are

maybe i am just wishing

on somebody else's star

seeing things

that aren't there

and hoping hopes

which are slim and rare

consoling myself

and telling myself lies

as comfort from my words

     bring tears to my eyes...

 

cyanide,

after you read these words, please don't feel pressured by my love for you....just always be assured that for you my feeling will not diminish ever..... i know your heart is now directed toward other ways and any of my feelings at this point don't matter the least..... i know, it is a part of reality that we are apart but the love we share remains..... and so i share with you this hard reality  and how it is to 'be practical' as you say.... i will ask you no questions & i need no answers.....somehow, it will be difficult for you to find the true meaning of all my words especially in the poems..... and by the time you get to its depth, it may be years...and too late...

my soul goes to you in our imaginary conversations......your love has made me a poet....i continue to stare blankly deep in thoughts of you......& i spend my nights thinking about nothing but you..... and i continually grow sadder..... i've kept this loneliness hidden for much longer than i would ever care to admit even to myself......but i just cannot hide from you.....

you have left me with a life without love and that is not what i would choose.....i was left no choice....i try to be true to myself & i am told by my instincts that i have to believe in my dreams.....for dreams are what are meant to be......just continue to believe and sooner or later, maybe by chance they will all fall into place....i need to hope and to pray.....they say that life gives us all choices but me..... i just wonder where are mine.....i never wanted to lose.........I always thought I had three aces on my side: you, God & your love......& so, could never lose.....

no one can ever imagine the damage that is done......but it is not really you though who is responsible.....you are as innocent as a baby my dear.....as chaste as a fresh morning flower.....& i know that....that's one reason you are a perfect rose for me.....it doesn't matter whether there’s any love left for me now in your heart or not.....it really doesn't matter.......if it is there let it remain.....God will return you in the arms where you belong if you so desire.......but don't try to deceive by being nice in sympathy to my misery.....it is not just being practical....if our love was heaven sent it is not for us to disregard it.....you have a purest heart.....it's not really you responsible for my trauma.....it is me who has caused this damage to myself by falling so deeply in love with you.....again & again...

i never knew love could be such a passion.....there’s not a single moment  in my life now without your thoughts.....Not a single moment….In happiness....in my sadness its all you first....you are the one in all the beautiful things that i see......i try my best to be emotionally.... spiritually and mentally strong each day but I know i am failing myself.....i know that......you have your own world now.....& i cannot spoil your life, always grumbling about my own misery.....but i just cannot absorb the fact you are gone from my world except for the deep ache in my heart....the pain arises in the loneliness of the night....i try  to keep my pain to myself......praying no one else will ever know how i allowed my heart to break.....i live life each day the best i can.....but each day ends and i must go to sleep once again….

anyway, i have very sweet thoughts of your smile and very sweet memories of you.....your smile is what i remember you with.....in my thoughts you will never grow old..... my rose will never fade.....the thoughts...... the memories will forever remain with time as i add these thoughts in writing for you to remind of this idiot in a long time from date......love is so beautiful but it is not meant for me maybe.....but i'll let it remain in my heart & let it live on.....such a psycho I have made of myself.......what a fuck life is.....building castles in the sand.....music plays in the background playing my favorite numbers (i have this habit of sleeping with the music on as you know....) as i wriggle in bed....my soul sings the sad tunes.....if there was no music i would not survive....I just love music.....you must have checked the full page of music midis in the speech of angels on gaspersWorld....the most favorite of my songs...some of them are embedded in the site of the perfect rose....

all my words written to you stare me in the night and i have to close my eyes to take solace in the thoughts of your smile.....i see wonderful visions of your smile in my minds eye.....and i feel so happy....your smile so captivating....i don't need nothing else.....will this nightmare end....? i try to reach out for you in the night.....but all i reach is the depth of my emotions as tears fall from my eyes on to the pillow....just because of my madness, i do not want you to have pity on me.....or be nice to me & love me in return out of mercy or fear.....don't be afraid to say the worst just as i do sometimes.....

 

i can no more accept to be practical.....i am now in my closed off world....looking out across a cold and lonely future.....thinking of you in your world so far away.....and what ‘us’ might have been....i find myself dreaming of you in reality every night.... and all the things we could have done....dreams are far superior to memories!....with the bittersweet memories you often have pain.....sadness..... missed opportunities but with dreams there is always a beautiful tomorrow..... i must confess......i am a dreamer and gladly so.....for here in my dreams i am the hero.....i always win and i am safely placed away from all the pain.....is that wrong?..... i can but only ask !..... who willingly offers themselves up for loss?

 

within a man’s lifetime, I suppose, he must shed a few tears.....lose a few battles.....suffer a broken heart.....is this what you mean when you want me to be practical???...... time can only increase the pain and offer more opportunity for sufferings if i am practical relying on memories alone..... so in defense i am forced to become a dreamer to survive..... ‘coz you are too weak and scared to help me out of this ordeal..... isn’t it better that I suffer alone living in this torture than ruin your world, your peace and your happiness?..... i don't want to keep intruding in your world and your plans of a dream future....a dream of having & raising kids....a dream of having a new house....a dream of visiting the moon....dreams & plans which are common with any couples....just as anyone would do....but me?....i have no responsibilities.....no plans even for my tomorrows.....

 

i cannot misguide you or poison your mind......this is only in reciprocation to your concern about me....i just cannot escape hiding my thoughts from you.....i don't mean to hurt you by these words....i don't know in what perspective you take what i write....your perception is unpredictable with your 'concealed thoughts' attitude...its up to you what you think…You are practical and you know the reality… don’t you?... Just wanted you to have a look… .....i will remain here in my fantasy world while you can carry on with your reality..... i will be blessed in my ignorance and you in your reality.....only a great and gracious God knows if iam wrong to listen to the advice of my teacher.... logic tells me that i should let go the life that has failed and find another....but my soul rejects the command of logic of being practical..... for i trust in the wonders of a loving God who will somehow work things in my favor.... if i must live alone the rest of my life then so be it.... but i trust that He whom i love and trust will bring love back into my life.....

 

i keep telling myself to lie to myself over and over again these many many days that you are not yet gone from my world....i know it is a pure lie but as long as you remain in my thoughts, you are never truly gone.....when reality reflects these lies in my eyes, there is piercing pain....which kills me.....and sadly to say, tears never fully can wash this pain.....deep in thought, wondering what you might be doing at that particular moment so far away, in your new home... listening to music.....cooking.... cleaning house maybe.....humming....looking in the mirror.....just wondering how far you are away in distance… but how close you have become in my heart.... and how important you are a part to me for my principle of living even though i am fully conscious that you are far away there and not in my arms....

 

i no longer wish to talk about this life......i wish to live it as it comes....times like this make me aware even more what my life has become.......but i am always amazed at what God enables us to handle in our lives, given His abundant grace.....i know that through His power i can even make you smile sometimes......& by your thoughts even i can put up a smile in the agony of my pain....

 

Being practical i know life cannot be turned around.....life is full of change.... and all we can do is learn to love as we go on.....love as i may but other than my words i have little to offer you dear....if my words, my lines can bring you joy in a time of fear, then i thank God....for He has provided these words you needed....& my love for you becomes complete....

 

My words may hurt you but i've provoked any fear in your thoughts for the future, then your curses will show upon me. And If so, i wish your mind erases my image soon.....By and large i know i have made you cry rather than make you happy & comfortable with my love but I am sure the tears were not out of fear but out of love.....i cannot change your world for my selfish sake....I can & I will be there to show you that i care if you so need me.....if my love gives you strength then i praise God from whom it came...

Forever, you are the focus of all the desires of my heart, and the smile of my life....!.... you have won my love forever, you become my desire each day & each night... again today... and even now as i write this and as i read.... deep in my chest my soul is aching, for here i sit,  knowing deep within that it isn't just a shallow crush i hold for you and my tears are flowing.... because i really care so much.... maybe i shouldn't speak my feelings so openly but this is probably the last time in this life that i ever want to tell you what I really feel and what i am going through.... maybe things would be different and i wouldn't be involved in these tragic thoughts again and my heart wouldn't be so afraid.....

i did share my heart with you before.....so you know what has become of me....once a man of 'nerves of steel' ,  is now confused....i don’t know if this is my weakness or boldness but since it doesn’t matter much now, i feel it is alright to write my thoughts to you....who else will listen to me? and who else can i tell all this other than God?....no one else but only you....

now here i sit, dreaming of my passion as i cry.... it's become my usual day....thinking of the love that we share & how it would continue growing.... i haven't felt such strong emotions, in any phase of my life earlier..... it all comes so strangely again & again.... these twisted feelings.... tears are building in my eyes.... yet i will hold them back.... for only weak men cry.... but in my loneliness, strength is something i lack..... it is my loneliness within that causes my heart to ache night after night.... the power of my passion mounts whenever my mind invokes your image.... my soul lusts to feel your breath.... my eyes strain to see your smile deep within the visions of my heart!... you have entered my soul.... you have become a part of me..... my completion....

marriage cannot change my love for you....i lie upon my bed at night and breathe deeply.... my arms longing for the feel of you..... my hands tremble in desire to caress your hair.... to touch your ears.... you will never understand the power you hold over me..... the sound of your voice.... the joy in your giggles calls out to me..... the telephone calls nourish me.... they give me the courage and strength to continue on in my pain..... you have but to say the word.... my cyanide, remember my love for you.... remember my passions.... my desires...... always remember that you are the centre of my world..... my heart awaits you every day.....but it cries out in pain.... it cries when reality hits me in the face....

i am a victim of my own madness as i reach out trying to escape from the hauntings of my injured spirit.....though my mind knows i've lost....for me it seems our souls are still hugged together... i think we both share a common altitude - a need to have a true and lasting love but it appears that you left me here wondering alone to suffer in torture with my thoughts....will i ever fit into your life?....will you ever fit in mine?...can there be any other way for me?...for us?...you become such a part of me that going on without you seems an impossible task.... the pain of not knowing where to go from here is like a knife deep in my soul.....the beauty they say awaits in each new day.....but in each rising day, it is un-welcomed in my sleepless eyes ... every morning i think about the clouds of pain the new day would bring.....

you have asked me to be practical....but i can never be practical....& this is what i want you to know....when my emotions overwhelm me, i pretend you're still mine....i will live on... i will try to remember and carry you in my mind until the end of time....i will try to hold on to your memories with tears in my eyes tossing and turning in the middle of the night....images of times will flash through my dreams, the favorite haunting songs will echo.... & each day, i will wake up from my sleep thinking “no more surrender”.... though... each morning, i boldly say to myself “today i will be in control of my emotions of the cyanide obsession”... and each night, as i lie again upon my troubled bed, I allow a contented sigh “ahh alone...., finally at peace, this night i will sleep deeply” yet even before my nightly prayer ends, once again soft visions of you invade my mind.....my longing heart races..... i begin the sensual transformation of my desires for ‘what is not’ into visions of ‘what should be’ and the worship begins....

 

when will the loving you stop?... sometimes i feel as if my head will burst with the wanting.... do i want to be free of your control?.... will the time come when my worship of you fades?... i tremble at just the thoughts of losing you.... it is said that a man fears what can demolish him..... and he worships what he can't control.... there will never be enough of you.... when i die i will ask God to allow me to be an angel who comes to you in your sleep and whispers love words in your ears.... this life without you is going to be empty.... with your love i am totally alive.... i am truly speaking to you from my heart.... you gave me new purpose.... a goal.... a focus.... you turned on the lights in my dark life and brought my mind back to life....you were a challenge.....and i responded to your challenge..... the challenge became a focus, then a goal, then love, and love flowered to full bloom but only to be nipped at the bud..... I am happy though, it blossomed full-fledged in my heart.....Unlike you the pain will be a long time leaving....

 

my deepest prayer is that you join me in my visions....feel me.... hear me calling deep within.... allow your passions to decide your life....if just for a brief moment.... allow the love we shared to wash over you in your dreams... reach boldly to speak out once for the last time if you so respect me and let it end at that....i will not take any names in this sacred conversation but you got to know that your beloveds asked me what i wanted to prove....you know that i can prove my love for you to the whole world if you so permitted but in respect to you i have kept quiet....now, let’s see how much respect the you hold for me...i will wait and see how you help me prove it to them...it should be a testimony of blessings for my principle of living & will be cherished forever....

 

cyanide, i feel i will never be free of your constant presence in my thoughts....of all my dreams that did not come true.....something deep inside of me burns in such a strong desire that i feel, like cyanide it eats away at my mind... it seems my reflections of you are my constant companion.... i am left alone in the darkness, trying to just hang on to all the words & memories.... it's a frightening feeling that one cannot easily put into words, but i somehow can display my emotions.....By loving you i had won your heart....my need for you is stronger than ever, time and distance till this day hasn't taken it away... just knowing how much you loved me once is all that brightens up my dark days!... will the missing you ever stop?.... perhaps it never will, because once someone gets into your soul they live there forever.....

 

it amazes me at this stage of my life what great power human friendship and compassion has and how it can make someone who has lost all hope in life regain it....but it seems the pain of our friendship will continue through the empty hours forever....this pain haunts me in this once nice world and leaves me real empty...will my mind ever let go of you?... you consume my every waking hour and there is no part of time remaining without me just wanting and wishing you with me.....restless dreams awaken me in the silence of the nights to remind me that no matter what my desires are i am alone & i’ll be alone the rest of my life.... deep inside me, my soul cries out and tells me that without your love i am slowly dying day by day...

 

i am continuously haunted by visions of what could have been and sleep never really closes my brooding eyes throughout the night.... as each hope... each desire... each memory fades, my heart cries out: “please give me just one more moment to dream”..... some people say there is still magic and a good reason to go on.... being practical puts that foolish wish to be a lie..... was it magic that broke my heart?... is it magic that refrains you from my real closeness?.... where is the magic when i really want things to move?.... where is this magic in the tears?... is it magic or is it a curse?....is this what life is all about?...

 

if i could live my life over, everyday I would pick all your favorite flowers and place them in your arms....i would reach out to bring you a smile and happiness every day....smiles and flowers are what i'd give you, nurtured forever with my love..... i'd have you in bed beside me & feel your warmth.... i would watch the early morning light on your beautiful sleeping face, warming my heart as each new day begins.... just as God places a rainbow in the sky following the rain, i'd chase away all the dark clouds in your life if i could but have you in my arms....i can not help but wonder, where is the rainbow that is supposed to follow the storm.... by being practical I know that i live in a world so dark that rainbows can never be seen....but deep within my soul it is certain that as long as i draw breath i will always love you till........

 

cyanide, daydreams are all i have to hold on to now....'coz wish as hard as I might, there comes a time when the chills of a long night stops all hope.....during these long hours alone nothing seems quite as cold & fearful as the sparks from that lifeless flame of hope....but my dreams restore this hope over & over again curtaining the ‘practical’ reason and making it to fade away from my mind.....

 

there is no reason for tears.... life is for living......i keep this all in writing so the rose knows that my love will never end....my love is unconditionally only for you..... my wish is not to hold you in my arms without your wish..... although that's where i most want you to be.... my simple wish is for you to always be happy and live a long.....healthy.....loving....and fulfilled life time.... i make this wish always from deep within my soul.....i wish all your dreams come true.....& i pray God grants you my happiness too and transmits your sadness, illness and anything bad in your way on to me and keep you safe from all evil.....my one wish is that wherever you are, may you be safe.....happy & cheerful and have plenty of love.....you are the gentle heart which continues to beat strongly within my chest.....you are so blameless.....you deserve all good things.....if life seems just too harsh to continue on..... if you feel lonely and you need someone to share your troubles & thoughts, without condition i'll be there always..... my love will never ever change....i will always believe in my love.....but i find myself looking forward not with anticipation but with a prayer....that darkness of night will come quickly..... for it is only in the dead of the night when peace comes.... and i can seek you out in my dreams.....

 

i will not be the one who will stop loving come what may..... you will be my heroine for all times.....my thoughts just can't challenge my heart to just let your memory fade..... so as always during my saddest moments, i depend once again on that illusion of laughter behind my tears......

 

may god richly bless you....

-gasper crasto

 dated : today